Fandom

Dragon Age Wiki

Comments4

My Very Hands

Ygrain March 15, 2013 User blog:Ygrain

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.

An accompanying piece to chapter 27 of His Father's Son, written to Zute's challenge to write a first-person PoV to the prompt "I remember when..." So, heer goes Ned's PoV.


I look at my hands, and don't know what I see any more.

I don't know what I see when I look at myself any more.

I feel as if I don't know myself any more.

Everything goes on as if nothing ever happened, but it did, and my memory is merciless: I remember how Esmerelle's lips split and her teeth shattered as I struck her.

I remember how I wanted to squeeze the life out of her, as if it could undo what she had said… undo what had been done to my mother.

I remember how I was throttling the viper, with my very hands.

Those very hands which have dealt clean deathblows with my blade more times than I can remember…

No.

I do, I do remember. The feel of the blade sliding into the body of Rendon Howe, and how I twisted it in the wound. How he gasped and how those fish-cold eyes bulged.

His son's eyes are the same colour… and I can't help but ponder what it is that he sees when he looks at me.

Only, I find myself not brave enough to find out just now, to approach him, to talk to him… And so I avoid every opportunity when he might chance on me alone, even though I can see that the distance between us is gnawing at him, together with the guilt he feels over his father's depravity… he who is innocent himself.

So innocent, in a way… so similar to Alistair in this, who used to be my conscience at the moments when I might have strayed. How I wish he were here, with his solid, uncomplicated loyalty…

But Alistair has a life of his own now, and his own share of burdens as King, and I can't just dump this on him, even if I could simply drop everything and ride to Denerim.

Besides… the Alistair I put on the throne has lost most of his innocence. The weight of decisions and power has taken its toll, and even before, at the Landsmeet, I could see that he had been poisoned by the same venom that has been devouring me. I doubt he realizes how much he has changed – or how much I have changed.

What I have become.

Does Nathaniel realize?

Howe's son.

The closest person to a friend I have here.

If he does see me for what I am… I don't know how I might bear the way he will look at me when I finally find it in me to face him.

Him who has overcome the blind urge of vengeance himself.

I used to think I left it all behind, with that single strike which ended Loghain's life, but the past keeps outing, no matter what I do.

Loghain.

I remember the look of Loghain's eyes, just before the blade cut into his neck: all the pride gone, just immense weariness.

And, for a moment, as if he was glad to be done away with.

That relief keeps haunting me… haunting me as I look at my hands and feel the crunch of Esmerelle's broken face. It was so easy to succumb, so sweet at that moment… yet it didn't change a thing.

Neither did killing Loghain – or Howe, for that matter.

The only thing it changed was me… into the same bloody monster as those I killed. The vengeance has consumed me, just as it did with Fergus, slowly, creepingly, without me even knowing, and urged me to actions I never thought myself capable of.

I cannot bear the look of myself any more, because it's not me any more. I've slid into a bottomless abyss, and keep falling down, down, down.

I cannot help but wonder what I will get the blade for, one day, and whose hand will wield it.

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki