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The Orlesian Non-Murder Mystery

Koolkame October 8, 2011 User blog:Koolkame

By the Stone, I can walk by myself! Shoving me around ain't gonna make me talk any faster! I said I'd tell you what and I'll do just that! If I ever had a story worth telling it's what happened when I tried to kill that Orlesian stuffed shirt last night. When I'm finished you'll see that not even the Champion could have ended that man's life.

Right, right, the beginning... well, I got the contract with all the details at the usual drop place. (By the way, isn't it a little conspicuous for a dwarf to walk into the Chantry to attend a service? I'm pretty sure that Brother Sebastian is getting suspicious.) The target was an Orlesian noble who was living in Kirkwall with his wife and a mage brat in the Circle, didn't mention why he had to die but they never do, right? Seemed like a simple matter to sneak into the estate, slide a poisoned dagger across his throat and get out.

Simple. Ha!

Everything went smoothly at first. Entry was no problem, just a matter of climbing one of the ugly statues that are all over the place and hop, skip and jump to a window I could jimmy with my dagger. Got in the house, everything was quiet as I made my way to the noble's bed chambers. Even the elves were asleep for the night and there was no one in sight. The door was open a crack and I could see the target at his desk writing on some sort of document. I drew my dagger and eased through the door without a sound. I was a few steps away from the mark, dagger was at the ready...

Then a woman starts screaming. Turns out the noble's wife was in the room resting on the bed and she screeched loudly enough to wake up the whole damn neighborhood. Me and the noble were just staring at her as she screamed and hollered, "Assassin! Help! HELP!" before she just fainted dead away and fell back on the bed. The noble and I stared at each other for a second before he realized she meant me.

I gotta give the noble some proper respect, he had apparently spent some time in the Orlesian military because he reacted quickly. Tossed his inkwell at my face, you can see the stain on my tunic, and went for the sword and shield hanging on the wall while I tried to keep from being blinded. Once he got those and stood between the wife and me I knew it was going to be difficult. I was actually impressed, you'd think a guy like that would have hauled out of there.

Still, I had a contract and lunged for him with both of my blades. He did some pretty good shield work and the sword wasn't just for decoration. (None of this was in the contract, by the way, if it was I would have used a crossbow from the door in the first place. Just sayin'.) Couldn't even get a knick on him with the poisoned one and I heard people running toward the chamber, so I knew my time had passed. I ran for a window I knew was above a cart filled with something soft and broke through the glass. Turns out, the soft stuff was fertilizer for the wife's garden.

Yeah, you noticed, didn't ya? For extra fun, the glass had cut me in every place that wasn't covered in armor.

I rolled out of the cart and started running in the direction of Lowtown as I heard the Guard arriving on the scene; every since the Ferelden with the Orlesian name took over they've become annoyingly competent. Thought I gave them the slip, but it didn't occur to me until later that I smelled like the back side of a horse. It was easy to track me all the way to Lowtown and outside of the Alienage which was a literal dead end for the elves and me. I was just about to make my stand when a pretty little elf girl yanked me inside her house.

No, I'm not telling you her name. She did me a favor and you're not going after her as a loose end to tie up. She didn't ask any questions as she hid me from the Guard and when I asked why she helped someone she didn't know, she replied that she had a friend who had helped her when she needed it. Sweet thing, even if she had some weird hobbies.

When the Guard passed over the Alienage and moved on the girl suggested that I visit a healer she knew in Darktown. Yeah, that guy, the former Warden. Not worried about you going after him because, ah, there's something... just don't. Take my word.

He fixed me up pretty good, even if he kept going on about mages' plight and glaring at the girl for some reason. I offered payment and he was reluctant, but the girl pointed out he could use it to buy medical supplies to settle the matter. I thanked them both and came here because I knew you would be looking for me, no point in running since I did my best on inaccurate information and didn't get caught. So what's it going to be?

...I see. Well, a spat between nobles isn't something I'm going to get worked up over, especially if the client is scared enough to pull the payment. Oh, you want me to pay them a visit later? Be happy to, they need to learn the value of accurate information...

Actually, can I bathe first? You could cut the snout off of a mabari and it could still smell me miles away.

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