By the tits of the Paragons, I kept saying I wasn’t ready for this. But no, the almighty Coterie in their sodding wisdom decided I was and off I go to Orlais. It smells like bad cheese here, and the scratching they call music up here gives me a headache. Nevermind, you don’t care.

I made it into the manor, though it was demeaning. I was decoration. Sort of. Not a lot of dwarves in Val Royeaux, and even less of them are dusters used to having no shame. The sodding noble was hosting a party for his hoity-toity friends, and thought it would be ‘quaint’ to have a dwarven theme. There was ale from Orzammar, roast nug, the works. And me and about five other dwarves painted up to look like gold statues, standing at entrances and exits. I guess that’s the closest I’ll ever get to being a Paragon.

It’s sodding cold in Orlais too, almost as bad as Dog Land. Even indoors it’s cold. Then again, all us dwarves were given only some flimsy loincloth to protect our delicates. The servants said it was to show off “the strength and fortitude of the Dwarves”, whatever that means. All I know is I saw some humans eyeballing us, and that didn’t make me feel any more comfortable or inconspicuous. At least I didn’t have to strike any poses, just stand there. Otherwise I’d have said the Ancestors can take this job.

The party started around dusk and lasted the rest of the evening. I’m no spy, and it wasn’t what you paid me for, but I paid attention to what was going on. I’m sending a list with this report, it’ll have the various nobles that were there and what relationship they had with my target was. Most of them anyway, I couldn’t exactly write anything down at the party. So what I could remember, I wrote down afterwards.

The target’s family was there. Wife, younger brother, and a female cousin that came with a date. He seemed small fry, but I wrote he’s on that list too. I thought about poisoning the target’s food, but being mostly-naked and painted gold, it would have been hard to pull off. So there went that plan. I decided to wait it out, and try to catch him on the way to the privy, or whatever fancy name the Orlesians have for it.

Eating, drinking, dancing in their fine silks and what not. Meanwhile I’m watching and trying to be ‘dwarf-like’ by a door, hoping I don’t catch a cold. When the party began winding down, they brought out some creamy goop to eat. Not important, but while the nobles are stuffing their faces, the target gets up and begins to leave with his cousin to escort her somewhere, or take a tour. Not sure, I’m not good with their language. Which I told you when you gave me the job.

They left through the door I was standing near, which must have been a blessing from the Ancestors. Like I said, the Orlesians are busy eating and chatting in their weird tongue, so I slip through the door to follow them. The other gold-painted dwarf standing on the opposite side of the door shot me a nasty look, but didn’t do anything to stop me. Just wanted to mind his own business and get paid, I suppose.

I follow the two for a few minutes through the manor. They’re taking all sorts of twists and turns, so I had to stop a few times to get my bearings. Nearly lost them too, which nearly got me in a panic. I was hoping to get the target alone. Don’t want any witnesses for the work. Or was I supposed to send a message and make a show of it? You didn’t specify.

Unfortunately for me, they go into a room together, so I can either wait him out, or go in and get it over with. I spend a couple of minutes searching around the area for something I could use. Another stroke of luck, the kitchens weren’t far off, so I got me a decent knife. Maybe Orlesians like tough cheese, in addition to it stinking up the place.

I decide to get the job done and get out, otherwise risking someone seeing me and wondering why a golden dwarf in a loincloth is lurking around. So I open the door quiet, and sneak in. I think it was a library or something. Well I found the target. His cousin too. I won’t write what they were doing, but it wasn’t what I expected. You can probably figure it out. Nobles, right?

She sees me, screams, which makes him see me, he screams. They both scramble around, getting dressed. I start going for the target, and he’s bawling like a babe! The cousin is about to run for help, and the target is making offers.

Maybe I thought I’d get caught by guards if I shanked him, and it’d be a pain to get out of there. So I made a deal, and it looks like the Coterie has an ally. Or informant, whantever you want really. I scared him pretty good.

And that’s why he’s not dead.